Shit, I think I crossed the line with Mama again.
Mama keeps saying that I'm too slow at everything I do. "No wonder you always get yelled at the firm during your attachment," she barked at me. "You will always be a failure if you can't catch up with anything around you."
It's the same thing that my employer said to me before I left my temp job.
"You will always be a failure."
It's painful for me to admit this... but Mama's right. All my life I have screwed up everything. I have never achieved anything that Mama can be proud of. I don't deserve to be her son. I should die rather than let her suffer more humiliation of having me as part of her life.
They said that my I.Q level is 139. They're lying - it means nothing to me. I was even deemed "nothing but a nothing" at one school I was in before I got transferred to St. John's Institution. I will always be a failure. Forever a failure.
Mama keeps saying that I'm too slow at everything I do. "No wonder you always get yelled at the firm during your attachment," she barked at me. "You will always be a failure if you can't catch up with anything around you."
It's the same thing that my employer said to me before I left my temp job.
"You will always be a failure."
It's painful for me to admit this... but Mama's right. All my life I have screwed up everything. I have never achieved anything that Mama can be proud of. I don't deserve to be her son. I should die rather than let her suffer more humiliation of having me as part of her life.
They said that my I.Q level is 139. They're lying - it means nothing to me. I was even deemed "nothing but a nothing" at one school I was in before I got transferred to St. John's Institution. I will always be a failure. Forever a failure.
****************************************
I left home early and nearly got myself killed in an accident this morning. The truck managed to swerve to the left and knocked down a lamp post, but my car now has her back badly scratched. My poor baby. If the truck had not swerved, I would have been smashed from the back and fly out of the screen Superman-style since I had completely forgotten to buckle up my seatbelt. Ironic for a guy who had previously posted about the importance of wearing seat-belts in his blog.
But you know, come to think of it, I would have been better off dead in that accident anyway. I am just a burden to everyone in this world. My death would probably do them good.
The only thing that struck my mind when the truck hit me was why my life is so screwed up.
Memories flashed by in front of my eyes.
My parents arguing and shouting at each other... Big Sis Nur protecting me from Dad... Dad's mother staring coldly at me while drowning me in the bath-tub... a black cat that I killed hung its head lifelessly inside a pail... Dad teaching me to shoot... Opah telling me stories while I rest my head on her lap... Opah's stiff and frozen body lying in the middle of Mak Ngah's living room... my fights with the kids at school... Mr. Jafry slapping me and locking me in the book closet during recess... Mr. Leonard Wong playing the guitar inside my classroom... Mr. Leonard Wong's coffin departing for crematory service... the seniors forcing me to put on girls' clothes for the school play... my childhood friend singing "Januari" on the school stage before committing suicide at his home... my strange haunting dreams... my nightmares... the law papers I failed... my attempted suicide two years ago... Nymo hugging me before suddenly leaving for Japan... Maria calling me an "immature jerk" when we broke up... Mama calling me a failure...
I think I stayed inside the car around five minutes until I was finally aroused from my daze. My head hurt from bumping against the front screen. Thank God I have a thick skull. It was raining lightly when I got out of the car to check on the truck's driver. There was no other car out on the road since it's still early in the morning. He hadn't got off the truck since he hit the lamp post. I was afraid he might be dead.
Peering into the driver's side window, I found that the driver survived the crash; hewas just still in a shock. I tapped on the window mirror indicating that I wanted to talk to him. As the driver lowered the window, I noticed that he was shaking like a leaf and his face was white as sheet. All he kept saying was "Ya Allah! Ya Allah!" when he looked at me. Save your prayers to the guy you might probably have killed before, pakcik. I'm not dead yet.
From the driver's accent and dark features, I figured that he is from Kedah. His eyes were bloodshot red. Probably due to lack of sleep or intake of syabu.
The driver drove his truck too fast on such a slippery road in such a wet weather. He should have also hit on the brakes on time when he neared my car at the red light. I despise reckless truck drivers, bus drivers included. I could have dragged the old guy to the nearest police station. But I just didn't have the mood to do so. So I only gave him my phone number in case he wanted to discuss about the damages. His boss is the one who's going to pay anyway, not him.
"You are just about the same age as my son - what have I done?!" he exclaimed, panicking. I told him it was okay since he had truly made my day. The driver could not understand how I could still joke about our near-death experience at a time like that.
I am Amel Hanan. I have died so many times that you will never understand how much Death means to me right now.
But you know, come to think of it, I would have been better off dead in that accident anyway. I am just a burden to everyone in this world. My death would probably do them good.
The only thing that struck my mind when the truck hit me was why my life is so screwed up.
Memories flashed by in front of my eyes.
My parents arguing and shouting at each other... Big Sis Nur protecting me from Dad... Dad's mother staring coldly at me while drowning me in the bath-tub... a black cat that I killed hung its head lifelessly inside a pail... Dad teaching me to shoot... Opah telling me stories while I rest my head on her lap... Opah's stiff and frozen body lying in the middle of Mak Ngah's living room... my fights with the kids at school... Mr. Jafry slapping me and locking me in the book closet during recess... Mr. Leonard Wong playing the guitar inside my classroom... Mr. Leonard Wong's coffin departing for crematory service... the seniors forcing me to put on girls' clothes for the school play... my childhood friend singing "Januari" on the school stage before committing suicide at his home... my strange haunting dreams... my nightmares... the law papers I failed... my attempted suicide two years ago... Nymo hugging me before suddenly leaving for Japan... Maria calling me an "immature jerk" when we broke up... Mama calling me a failure...
I think I stayed inside the car around five minutes until I was finally aroused from my daze. My head hurt from bumping against the front screen. Thank God I have a thick skull. It was raining lightly when I got out of the car to check on the truck's driver. There was no other car out on the road since it's still early in the morning. He hadn't got off the truck since he hit the lamp post. I was afraid he might be dead.
Peering into the driver's side window, I found that the driver survived the crash; hewas just still in a shock. I tapped on the window mirror indicating that I wanted to talk to him. As the driver lowered the window, I noticed that he was shaking like a leaf and his face was white as sheet. All he kept saying was "Ya Allah! Ya Allah!" when he looked at me. Save your prayers to the guy you might probably have killed before, pakcik. I'm not dead yet.
From the driver's accent and dark features, I figured that he is from Kedah. His eyes were bloodshot red. Probably due to lack of sleep or intake of syabu.
The driver drove his truck too fast on such a slippery road in such a wet weather. He should have also hit on the brakes on time when he neared my car at the red light. I despise reckless truck drivers, bus drivers included. I could have dragged the old guy to the nearest police station. But I just didn't have the mood to do so. So I only gave him my phone number in case he wanted to discuss about the damages. His boss is the one who's going to pay anyway, not him.
"You are just about the same age as my son - what have I done?!" he exclaimed, panicking. I told him it was okay since he had truly made my day. The driver could not understand how I could still joke about our near-death experience at a time like that.
I am Amel Hanan. I have died so many times that you will never understand how much Death means to me right now.
****************************************
Kuala Lumpur International Book Fair 2009 will be held tomorrow at PWTC. I got the leak from another blogger about it. Too bad the money I saved to buy books at the fair is going to be used to repair my car. Maybe I could ask Dad to send me extra pocket money this week.
Speaking of books, some people have asked me where I got Adolf Hitler's "Mein Kampf" from. I bought it overseas a few years back, but I am willing to share an e-book version of it online to those who are interested. Just send a request and I'll e-mail it to you. And no, for the umpteenth time, I am not a Nazi. I'm just curious.
Looks like I'll have to go to PWTC by public transport.
Speaking of books, some people have asked me where I got Adolf Hitler's "Mein Kampf" from. I bought it overseas a few years back, but I am willing to share an e-book version of it online to those who are interested. Just send a request and I'll e-mail it to you. And no, for the umpteenth time, I am not a Nazi. I'm just curious.
Looks like I'll have to go to PWTC by public transport.
****************************************
I am smiling to myself as I type this. I noticed the Death Note book replica that Stefan and Princess Fatin bought for my birthday last year on my desk. It looks exactly the same as the one Light uses to take away criminals' lives. How nice it must be to have the power to decide on a person's death. If only the book works like in the film, I could write my own name in it like L did. But I figure I 'll write some certain people's names first :)
"CEMETERY DRIVE" BY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE is playing in my mind today.
No comments:
Post a Comment