Amel Hanan is in a bad mood today.
Feel like burning the whole world down along with my cursed soul. Like what Timon did to Athens. I am angry because I sense that I have been very emotional towards certain issues for the last few weeks. Amel doesn't want to be an emotional person. Must kill all these useless emotions. Amel must learn to be straight and rational. I hate being human.
It's these useless emotions that make people view me as stupid, immature and childish. Especially Mama - there is no such thing as emotions in her dictionary. Why can't I be as cold and calculating as Mama and Sis Nur? Maybe only women are capable of shutting off their hearts in order to use their heads.
To rub salt to my injury, Pn. Nori had me locked outside the class on an unreasonable basis. She won't let me take part in her class unless I cut my hair short. Old cow's last resort to make me throw away my pride...?
I hid in the library again. Turned on my i-Pod loud to drown out the silence. I saw Mr. Naz peering among the row of Jurisprudence books at the other side. He didn't see me crouching at lower shelf. Maybe if I "accidentally" drop a heavy book onto his foot, I could finally hear him yell in Malay. I have never heard him spoken a single Malay word. The nerdy girls in the faculty will never forgive me for what I was about to do to their geeky heart-throb with fake Australian accent...
But I suddenly got distracted from my plan to torment the geeky heart-throb with fake Australian accent by a voice in my i-Pod. It mentioned the word "depression". Interesting. I listened carefully and found out that B.fm was having a forum with the president of an organization called the Befrienders on issues relating to depression and suicide. That gave me goosebumps - memories of having depression make my stomach turn inside out.
Feel like burning the whole world down along with my cursed soul. Like what Timon did to Athens. I am angry because I sense that I have been very emotional towards certain issues for the last few weeks. Amel doesn't want to be an emotional person. Must kill all these useless emotions. Amel must learn to be straight and rational. I hate being human.
It's these useless emotions that make people view me as stupid, immature and childish. Especially Mama - there is no such thing as emotions in her dictionary. Why can't I be as cold and calculating as Mama and Sis Nur? Maybe only women are capable of shutting off their hearts in order to use their heads.
To rub salt to my injury, Pn. Nori had me locked outside the class on an unreasonable basis. She won't let me take part in her class unless I cut my hair short. Old cow's last resort to make me throw away my pride...?
I hid in the library again. Turned on my i-Pod loud to drown out the silence. I saw Mr. Naz peering among the row of Jurisprudence books at the other side. He didn't see me crouching at lower shelf. Maybe if I "accidentally" drop a heavy book onto his foot, I could finally hear him yell in Malay. I have never heard him spoken a single Malay word. The nerdy girls in the faculty will never forgive me for what I was about to do to their geeky heart-throb with fake Australian accent...
But I suddenly got distracted from my plan to torment the geeky heart-throb with fake Australian accent by a voice in my i-Pod. It mentioned the word "depression". Interesting. I listened carefully and found out that B.fm was having a forum with the president of an organization called the Befrienders on issues relating to depression and suicide. That gave me goosebumps - memories of having depression make my stomach turn inside out.
The service that the Befrienders offer is called Befriending. Befriending is the free giving of emotional support which is non-judgmental and confidential. This support allows the caller to express his or her fears, worries and feelings to someone who cares enough to listen.
What attracted my attention most was about suicidals being penalized for attempting suicide in our Malaysian law. Like the Befrienders, I disagree with the idea of punishing people who tried to end their lives. Having suffered depression is already a punishment in itself.
I know, I went through the same Hell as these suicidals go through. You punks will never understand this type of Hell on Earth. The agony is the same as waiting to be hanged at the gallows at any moment without notice. Get yourself a murder conviction, and you will know how a depressed person feels. The isolation, confusion, fear and sorrow that suddenly appear out of nowhere and mess up with their brains would of course drive these suicidals crazy. Don't get it mixed up with stress, it ain't the same thing.
Depression is more painful than any kind of physical pain which is why some sufferers tend to inflict injury on themselves, like cutting for instance, to take off their minds of the pain inside. Every pain from the cut doesn't hurt as much as the pain inside, and each drop of blood isn't as bitter as each tear shed. I know a friend who feels like banging her head on the wall every time she suffers migraine. If a migraine can do this to a normal, non-suicidal person then it is no wonder how people suffering depression can be driven to commit suicide to alleviate their pain. I know how painful it is... I was one of them. I nearly took away my own life two years ago.
That's how my video Deep in Depression was created.
In the virtual world, my suicide account has not only helped myself but also a lot of other sufferers to reflect back on our fatal decision, and to search for reasons in this world that enable us to continue living. But in the real world I would have been hand-cuffed and thrown in prison.
Punishment is not the solution to handle suicidals. The Malaysian Penal Code should amend its approach in dealing with suicidals. These people need counseling; they need someone to hear their cries for help. Let them see that there are things in their life worth living for. They just need another chance to see life and have a glimpse of how their future may turn out to be. Like the Befrienders' motto - "When the world shuts you out,we stay open".
To those of you who are interested to know more about the Befrienders or wish to keep in touch with them, the hotline is 03-7956 8144/5. Click here for their website.
You can also e-mail them at sam@befrienders.org.my.
The forum ended with the DJ playing "LOVE WILL COME THROUGH" BY TRAVIS. It's eerie - it was the same song I sent to a suicidal fellow Youtuber who dropped by in my Youtube channel some time ago. I wish her and everyone all the best in beating depression.
"LOVE WILL COME THROUGH" BY TRAVIS is playing in my mind today.
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