ALIVE AND ACHING ALL OVER

Why am I such a loser?

I even failed at my own suicide attempt.

I couldn't bear the pain inside any longer - it was either drugs, family talk or suicide. I don't have access to drugs, and my family kept hanging up on me when I tried to call them because they were busy, so I chose suicide to alleviate my pain and suffering.

Unforunately, my plan didn't go quite well.

After typing my last message in Youtube, I took the LRT and headed off to the center of Kuala Lumpur to find a safe dying spot. I found a building where I used to go for tuition classes during my junior high school days; it's vacant now and I hear it will be demolished for a new hotel.

I felt so sad and alone when I looked at it from the pavement. It's so sad to think that things, including people, change.

The back door of the building was unlocked. I remember there used to be a hidden elevator that my classmates and I played around with. It went up to a surau on the rooftop. To my amazement, the elevator was still working when I pushed the button.

I got up onto the roof, and found that the surau had been stripped off its yellow and green carpet. I suddenly had memories of rolling over the carpet like a soccer ball and shooting rubber bands at the staff who were praying there.

This is it, I thought as I neared the rusty iron rail at the roof's edge. I looked down. Cars and people looked like tiny ants down there.

A strange thing happened. I heard a mewing sound coming from the other side of the iron rail, and then I saw a black cat walking slowly towards me. I didn't remember seeing a black cat around the building before. But at that time, I was too depressed to think about the cat. It rubbed its body against my shin. I hate cats, so I was angry and kicked it away. It shrieked and suddenly jumped on me - right on my face. I think I fell off the rail and hit the lower balcony below the roof before passing out.

My head hurt like hell when I opened my eyes. I was screaming inside my head when I found the black cat on my chest, staring at me with its hideous yellow eyes. I froze. The cat then just licked its paw and acted as if nothing had happened. Finally, it went to my face and rubbed itself against my left cheek. Suddenly, my tears couldn't stop flowing. I cried non-stop as I laid there, even after the cat was gone.

My body was aching after the fall. My head hurt from the concussion. But I had no idea what I was crying for.

As I got home, I turned on the news. The police confirmed that Nurin Jazrin, the eight year-old girl who had been missing since August 20, was found dead. It was believed that she had been sexually assaulted, tortured and strangled before she was stuffed into a sports bag that was found at a shop in Petaling Jaya a week ago. The victim's parents refused to believe it was their missing daughter when the body was shown for identification, despite positive results from the forensic's DNA test. I'm not surprised, the body had been so damaged that the victim's face seemed immensely altered than what she looked like when alive.

I contribute my prayers to our recently departed young Nurin Jazrin, who has left us and returned to God. My condolences to the parents, who are in grief at the lost of their princess. Takziah, and I pray that Allah the Forgiving blesses her soul.

TERLALU ISTIMEWA - ADIBAH NOOR
is playing in my mind today.