First, I was diagnosed with dengue fever. When the next blood test result came out, they discovered that I didn't have dengue fever but some kind of unknown virus was infecting my blood.
I nearly fainted, both from the bad news as well as loss of blood from these goddamn blood tests.
My temperature was over 43 degrees Celcius, and one of the doctors remarked that any one would have gone crazy with such temperature. Well, I'm not just any one - I'm Amel Hanan, and I am already crazy due to my dysfunctional life and suicidal studies.
My condition for the past two weeks was total HELL.
I couldn't sleep, I lost my appetite, I kept feeling dizzy and throwing up every hour, I felt depressed and cried for no reason... it must have been the drugs I took for medication. I'm sure I was agoraphobic before I fell sick; now I have annoyingly become claustrophobic.
I am scared. The effect from my strange sickness is beginning to interfere with my life. I am aware I have become slower in finishing my assignments and understanding what the lecturers are saying. And I keep feeling as if I am trapped in a dark, endless tunnel where my life seems to be meaningless. I am upset with this situation.
I disappointed my team for failing to produce a complete a summons-in-chambers application file and that made us lose points. I disgraced myself for failing to come up with a good speech and that made me lose more points. I even failed to finish a video for the faculty's annual law dinner yesterday. Now the rest of my class are boycotting me because of my incompetence. I hate to think of myself as a FAILURE - especially a lousy one.
I haven't gone to the hospital to see my recent blood test result yet. I don't want to know what I'm having - it'll just put more stress in my already stressful life.
In the meanwhile, let me enjoy my final moments in the faculty as the incomprehensible lone wolf Amel Hanan before I die a probable death.
I'M NOT OKAY - MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE
is playing on my mind today
No comments:
Post a Comment